Teen Machine

Everybody gets a shot on critique my blog. This one I'll leave up to you to critique. It's written by a 16 year old with some heavy things to say. I guess not all teens are turning their brains to mush with the Game Cube.


eccentric recluse said...

The Tome is a site that mixes liberal doses of humor, social commentary, an occasional recipe, (I am suspicious of these...), and the good old internet staple, flame wars. It is a place to be seen, something analogous to an online CBGB's or Max's Kansas City.

The crowd there is for the most part, engaging and willing to trade comments or barbs as the situation calls for it.

It's content is good, it is to freelance blogging what '60 Minutes' is to network news.

Glass House said...

Woosie has a powerful voice and the courage to go were very few of his pears venture. He is ingenious in his technique of "keapin' it hot" day after day. His obsession with actual projectiles has obviously curbed him from the curse of the game cube.

All hail Woosie, our virtual communist killin' kid.

sammyray said...

Woozie is possibly psychotic. However, he may be normal and I view him that way because I am psychotic.

That having been said, Wooz - when he's taking his meds - has a unique voice, humorous yet inclusive. He tackles interesting, mature subjects for a sixteen year old.

He mkes me sick with jealousy.

Suspect said...

Woozie is drunk a lot.

When he's not, he talks about stupid stuff like politics.

When he is, he talks about interesting stuff like circumcision, babies with boobs and how a banana can aid you in masturbation.

You get the point, right?

karen13 said...

All hail the Chief!

This guy writes so well I wanted him to start an army of his own just so I could join.

He refused on very weak grounds. Bet he regrets it some day!

DoctorBoogaloo said...

I have known of Woozie's tireless work for freedom and justice for... um, just over three months now. The Tome is where it's at. (Hell, the kid devoted an entire week to Snakes on a Plane. THAT is vision. THAT is focus. THAT is cool.)
Go, Woozie. (You can leave my kickback at the Lunch Counter.)

Gadfly said...

The only thing keeping Woozie from ruling the world with an iron fist is his tender years. The day will come when we will all bow to his omnipotence and count ourselves fortunate that he spares our lives.

Woozie is a god

Big Eddie Ed said...

young woozie got a heavy motherfucking brain to weigh down pain on all those insane drains on humanity, mane.

one yourself and hit that nigga back on the regular.

Woozie said...

More comrades, more!

Serena said...

Dispite how often you pesky kids do the exact opposite of what I say, I IMPLORE YOU, ///DO NOT CHECK OUT THIS BLOG\\\

Woozie's Tome of Communism is the kind of place where children's ears are poisoned with all sorts of dangerous propaganda and brainwashing into evil ways of thinking is only the initiation!!

If there is absolutely one website out there that you should avoid above all others, it is Woozie's Tomb of Communism. Beware. You have been warned.

ruby rocks said...

i've heard hugo chavez is a regular reader of yours. if it's good enough for hugo it's good enough for me.

i understand hugo is in the dumps over guillen and ordonez trailing 3 games to one.

maybe you can give the tigers a little guidance.

drëâmè® said...

Woozie's blog is just plain amazing. I shall never forget his eagerness to share with us the recipe for the amazing salty chocolate balls. The fact that they were really salty chocolate muffins did not deter me from wanting some of those delicious pieces of heaven.

Or at least... I can assume that they're delicious pieces of heaven.

Raspootin said...

Tome of Communism successfully crosses age, race and sex barriers.

The writing is excellent and the subject matter creative.

These are high compliments coming from one who served the Russian Royal Family!

Gadfly said...

Woozie showed me how to "NeGROW" and I am the better for it.

Mika said...

i vote Woozie!

may his reign be long and fruitful!

Woozie said...

Don't stop now, the fascists are gaining ground! Continue the fight!

Lord Omar said...

Bruinez avec l'huile et légèrement la poussière d'olive vierge supplémentaire avec le romarin. Appréciez.

Woozie said...

BabelFish must be a tool made by the same fascists we are trying to crush:

"Bruinez with the oil and slightly the dust of virgin olive additional with rosemary. Appreciate."

Lord Omar said...

Take it up with Babble Fish, Nazi-boy.

Gadfly said...

When he comes of age, I want to have Woozie's love child. But alas, I have no womb.

(bleah! That one even grossed ME out)

Lord Omar said...


drëâmè® said...

It's okay. I have a womb.

Woozie said...

Love Children? Wombs? Excellent idea comrade, we can smash the fascist bastards by lobbing waves of infants at them, causing them to use up all their ammunition on the babies! I'll meet you at your place in Undisclosed Location, Canada!

Lord Omar said...

Even better then lobbing infants at the enemy, why not plant your seed in all available and willing female comrades? This way you would raise a "Grande Armée of the Willing" to battle the evil fascists.

They will write books of the Great Woozie Soldier-Seed.

Thomas Jefferson said...


It is a circumstance of sincere gratification to me that on meeting the great council of our nation, I am able to announce to them, on the grounds of reasonable certainty, that the wars and troubles which have for so many years afflicted our sister nations have at length come to an end, and that the communications of peace and commerce are once more opening among them. While we devoutly return thanks to the beneficent Being who has been pleased to breathe into them the spirit of conciliation and forgiveness, we are bound with peculiar gratitude to be thankful to him that our own peace has been preserved through so perilous a season, and ourselves permitted quietly to cultivate the earth and to practice and improve those arts which tend to increase our comforts. The assurances, indeed, of friendly disposition, received from all the powers with whom we have principal relations, had inspired a confidence that our peace with them would not have been disturbed. But a cessation of the irregularities which had effected the commerce of neutral nations, and of the irritations and injuries produced by them, cannot but add to this confidence; and strengthens, at the same time, the hope, that wrongs committed on offending friends, under a pressure of circumstances, will now be reviewed with candor, and will be considered as founding just claims of retribution for the past and new assurances for the future.

Among our Indian neighbors, also, a spirit of peace and friendship generally prevailing and I am happy to inform you that the continued efforts to introduce among them the implements and the practice of husbandry, and of the household arts, have not been without success; that they are becoming more and more sensible of the superiority of this dependence for clothing and subsistence over the precarious resources of hunting and fishing; and already we are able to announce, that instead of that constant diminution of their numbers, produced by their wars and their wants, some of them begin to experience an increase of population.

To this state of general peace with which we have been blessed, one only exception exists. Tripoli, the least considerable of the Barbary States, had come forward with demands unfounded either in right or in compact, and had permitted itself to denounce war, on our failure to comply before a given day. The style of the demand admitted but one answer. I sent a small squadron of frigates into the Mediterranean, with assurances to that power of our sincere desire to remain in peace, but with orders to protect our commerce against the threatened attack. The measure was seasonable and salutary. The bey had already declared war in form. His cruisers were out. Two had arrived at Gibraltar. Our commerce in the Mediterranean was blockaded, and that of the Atlantic in peril. The arrival of our squadron dispelled the danger. One of the Tripolitan cruisers having fallen in with, and engaged the small schooner Enterprise, commanded by Lieutenant Sterret, which had gone as a tender to our larger vessels, was captured, after a heavy slaughter of her men, without the loss of a single one on our part. The bravery exhibited by our citizens on that element, will, I trust, be a testimony to the world that it is not the want of that virtue which makes us seek their peace, but a conscientious desire to direct the energies of our nation to the multiplication of the human race, and not to its destruction. Unauthorized by the constitution, without the sanction of Congress, to go out beyond the line of defence, the vessel being disabled from committing further hostilities, was liberated with its crew. The legislature will doubtless consider whether, by authorizing measures of offence, also, they will place our force on an equal footing with that of its adversaries. I communicate all material information on this subject, that in the exercise of the important function considered by the constitution to the legislature exclusively, their judgment may form itself on a knowledge and consideration of every circumstance of weight.

I wish I could say that our situation with all the other Barbary states was entirely satisfactory. Discovering that some delays had taken place in the performance of certain articles stipulated by us, I thought it my duty, by immediate measures for fulfilling them, to vindicate to ourselves the right of considering the effect of departure from stipulation on their side. From the papers which will be laid before you, you will be enabled to judge whether our treaties are regarded by them as fixing at all the measure of their demands, or as guarding from the exercise of force our vessels within their power; and to consider how far it will be safe and expedient to leave our affairs with them in their present posture.

I lay before you the result of the census lately taken of our inhabitants, to a conformity with which we are to reduce the ensuing rates of representation and taxation. You will perceive that the increase of numbers during the last ten years, proceeding in geometrical ratio, promises a duplication in little more than twenty-two years. We contemplate this rapid growth, and the prospect it holds up to us, not with a view to the injuries it may enable us to do to others in some future day, but to the settlement of the extensive country still remaining vacant within our limits, to the multiplications of men susceptible of happiness, educated in the love of order, habituated to self-government, and value its blessings above all price.

Other circumstances, combined with the increase of numbers, have produced an augmentation of revenue arising from consumption, in a ratio far beyond that of population alone, and though the changes of foreign relations now taking place so desirably for the world, may for a season affect this branch of revenue, yet, weighing all probabilities of expense, as well as of income, there is reasonable ground of confidence that we may now safely dispense with all the internal taxes, comprehending excises, stamps, auctions, licenses, carriages, and refined sugars, to which the postage on newspapers may be added, to facilitate the progress of information, and that the remaining sources of revenue will be sufficient to provide for the support of government to pay the interest on the public debts, and to discharge the principals in shorter periods than the laws or the general expectations had contemplated. War, indeed, and untoward events, may change this prospect of things, and call for expenses which the imposts could not meet; but sound principles will not justify our taxing the industry of our fellow citizens to accumulate treasure for wars to happen we know not when, and which might not perhaps happen but from the temptations offered by that treasure.

These views, however, of reducing our burdens, are formed on the expectation that a sensible, and at the same time a salutary reduction, may take place in our habitual expenditures. For this purpose, those of the civil government, the army, and navy, will need revisal.

When we consider that this government is charged with the external and mutual relations only of these states; that the states themselves have principal care of our persons, our property, and our reputation, constituting the great field of human concerns, we may well doubt whether our organization is not too complicated, too expensive; whether offices or officers have not been multiplied unnecessarily, and sometimes injuriously to the service they were meant to promote. I will cause to be laid before you an essay toward a statement of those who, under public employment of various kinds, draw money from the treasury or from our citizens. Time has not permitted a perfect enumeration, the ramifications of office being too multipled and remote to be completely traced in a first trial. Among those who are dependent on executive discretion, I have begun the reduction of what was deemed necessary. The expenses of diplomatic agency have been considerably diminished. The inspectors of internal revenue who were found to obstruct the accountability of the institution, have been discontinued. Several agencies created by executive authority, on salaries fixed by that also, have been suppressed, and should suggest the expediency of regulating that power by law, so as to subject its exercises to legislative inspection and sanction. Other reformations of the same kind will be pursued with that caution which is requisite in removing useless things, not to injure what is retained. But the great mass of public offices is established by law, and, therefore, by law alone can be abolished. Should the legislature think it expedient to pass this roll in review, and try all its parts by the test of public utility, they may be assured of every aid and light which executive information can yield. Considering the general tendency to multiply offices and dependencies, and to increase expense to the ultimate term of burden which the citizen can bear, it behooves us to avail ourselves of every occasion which presents itself for taking off the surcharge; that it may never be seen here that, after leaving to labor the smallest portion of its earnings on which it can subsist, government shall itself consume the residue of what it was instituted to guard.

In our care, too, of the public contributions intrusted to our direction, it would be prudent to multiply barriers against their dissipation, by appropriating specific sums to every specific purpose susceptible of definition; by disallowing applications of money varying from the appropriation in object, or transcending it in amount; by reducing the undefined field of contingencies, and thereby circumscribing discretionary powers over money; and by bringing back to a single department all accountabilities for money where the examination may be prompt, efficacious, and uniform.

An account of the receipts and expenditures of the last year, as prepared by the secretary of the treasury, will as usual be laid before you. The success which has attended the late sales of the public lands, shows that with attention they may be made an important source of receipt. Among the payments, those made in discharge of the principal and interest of the national debt, will show that the public faith has been exactly maintained. To these will be added an estimate of appropriations necessary for the ensuing year. This last will of course be effected by such modifications of the systems of expense, as you shall think proper to adopt.

A statement has been formed by the secretary of war, on mature consideration, of all the posts and stations where garrisons will be expedient, and of the number of men requisite for each garrison. The whole amount is considerably short of the present military establishment. For the surplus no particular use can be pointed out. For defence against invasion, their number is as nothing; nor is it conceived needful or safe that a standing army should be kept up in time of peace for that purpose. Uncertain as we must ever be of the particular point in our circumference where an enemy may choose to invade us, the only force which can be ready at every point and competent to oppose them, is the body of neighboring citizens as formed into a militia. On these, collected from the parts most convenient, in numbers proportioned to the invading foe, it is best to rely, not only to meet the first attack, but if it threatens to be permanent, to maintain the defence until regulars may be engaged to relieve them. These considerations render it important that we should at every session continue to amend the defects which from time to time show themselves in the laws for regulating the militia, until they are sufficiently perfect. Nor should we now or at any time separate, until we can say we have done everything for the militia which we could do were an enemy at our door.

The provisions of military stores on hand will be laid before you, that you may judge of the additions still requisite.

With respect to the extent to which our naval preparations should be carried, some difference of opinion may be expected to appear; but just attention to the circumstances of every part of the Union will doubtless reconcile all. A small force will probably continue to be wanted for actual service in the Mediterranean. Whatever annual sum beyond that you may think proper to appropriate to naval preparations, would perhaps be better employed in providing those articles which may be kept without waste or consumption, and be in readiness when any exigence calls them into use. Progress has been made, as will appear by papers now communicated, in providing materials for seventy-four gun ships as directed by law.

How far the authority given by the legislature for procuring and establishing sites for naval purposes has been perfectly understood and pursued in the execution, admits of some doubt. A statement of the expenses already incurred on that subject, shall be laid before you. I have in certain cases suspended or slackened these expenditures, that the legislature might determine whether so many yards are necessary as have been contemplated. The works at this place are among those permitted to go on; and five of the seven frigates directed to be laid up, have been brought and laid up here, where, besides the safety of their position, they are under the eye of the executive administration, as well as of its agents and where yourselves also will be guided by your own view in the legislative provisions respecting them which may from time to time be necessary. They are preserved in such condition, as well the vessels as whatever belongs to them, as to be at all times ready for sea on a short warning. Two others are yet to be laid up so soon as they shall have reserved the repairs requisite to put them also into sound condition. As a superintending officer will be necessary at each yard, his duties and emoluments, hitherto fixed by the executive, will be a more proper subject for legislation. A communication will also be made of our progress in the execution of the law respecting the vessels directed to be sold.

The fortifications of our harbors, more or less advanced, present considerations of great difficulty. While some of them are on a scale sufficiently proportioned to the advantages of their position, to the efficacy of their protection, and the importance of the points within it, others are so extensive, will cost so much in their first erection, so much in their maintenance, and require such a force to garrison them, as to make it questionable what is best now to be done. A statement of those commenced or projected, of the expenses already incurred, and estimates of their future cost, so far as can be foreseen, shall be laid before you, that you may be enabled to judge whether any attention is necessary in the laws respecting this subject.

Agriculture, manufactures, commerce, and navigation, the four pillars of our prosperity, are the most thriving when left most free to individual enterprise. Protection from casual embarrassments, however, may sometimes be seasonably interposed. If in the course of your observations or inquiries they should appear to need any aid within the limits of our constitutional powers, your sense of their importance is a sufficient assurance they will occupy your attention. We cannot, indeed, but all feel an anxious solicitude for the difficulties under which our carrying trade will soon be placed. How far it can be relieved, otherwise than by time, is a subject of important consideration.

The judiciary system of the United States, and especially that portion of it recently erected, will of course present itself to the contemplation of Congress: and that they may be able to judge of the proportion which the institution bears to the business it has to perform, I have caused to be procured from the several States, and now lay before Congress, an exact statement of all the causes decided since the first establishment of the courts, and of those which were depending when additional courts and judges were brought in to their aid.

And while on the judiciary organization, it will be worthy your consideration, whether the protection of the inestimable institution of juries has been extended to all the cases involving the security of our persons and property. Their impartial selection also being essential to their value, we ought further to consider whether that is sufficiently secured in those States where they are named by a marshal depending on executive will, or designated by the court or by officers dependent on them.

I cannot omit recommending a revisal of the laws on the subject of naturalization. Considering the ordinary chances of human life, a denial of citizenship under a residence of fourteen years is a denial to a great proportion of those who ask it, and controls a policy pursued from their first settlement by many of these States, and still believed of consequence to their prosperity. And shall we refuse the unhappy fugitives from distress that hospitality which the savages of the wilderness extended to our fathers arriving in this land? Shall oppressed humanity find no asylum on this globe? The constitution, indeed, has wisely provided that, for admission to certain offices of important trust, a residence shall be required sufficient to develop character and design. But might not the general character and capabilities of a citizen be safely communicated to every one manifesting a _bona fide_ purpose of embarking his life and fortunes permanently with us? with restrictions, perhaps, to guard against the fraudulent usurpation of our flag; an abuse which brings so much embarrassment and loss on the genuine citizen, and so much danger to the nation of being involved in war, that no endeavor should be spared to detect and suppress it.

These, fellow citizens, are the matters respecting the state of the nation, which I have thought of importance to be submitted to your consideration at this time. Some others of less moment, or not yet ready for communication, will be the subject of separate messages. I am happy in this opportunity of committing the arduous affairs of our government to the collected wisdom of the Union. Nothing shall be wanting on my part to inform, as far as in my power, the legislative judgment, nor to carry that judgment into faithful execution. The prudence and temperance of your discussions will promote, within your own walls, that conciliation which so much befriends national conclusion; and by its example will encourage among our constituents that progress of opinion which is tending to unite them in object and in will. That all should be satisfied with any one order of things is not to be expected, but I indulge the pleasing persuasion that the great body of our citizens will cordially concur in honest and disinterested efforts, which have for their object to preserve the general and State governments in their constitutional form and equilibrium; to maintain peace abroad, and order and obedience to the laws at home; to establish principles and practices of administration favorable to the security of liberty and prosperity, and to reduce expenses to what is necessary for the useful purposes of government.

Woozie said...

Lord, bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. With AIDS.

Thomas, you can't possibly expect me to read all that.

Gadfly said...

Wooze: I think Thomas J. was trying to help out in case word count is factored in for the win.

Thomas Jefferson said...

Um, yes. That's the ticket.

Glass House said...


angel said...

I have developed Repetitive Strain Injury from obsessive mouse clicking to check in at the Tome.

Woozie is exceptionally smart and wise for his years and also rather funny.. if he were a bit older, I'd offer my womb also.

Woozies (Cyber only) Fleusy.

Gadfly said...

A cyber floozy is not a bad thing to have.

But yeah, as erudite as Wooze can be -- it's easy to forget that he's jailbait age ;-)

cornholio said...

Woozie hits it hard, and he ain't afraid of lard.

Solomon said...

What the fuck that mean? sounds like little woozie like to slam fat backside.

Anonymous said...

I fucked Woozie once. His dick was short, but it was thin.

Anonymous said...

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. for ever and ever. Amen

Gadfly said...

Damn, if only Zo and Redneck would come by, the gang would all be here.

Woozie said...

I fucked Woozie once.

Must've been a really quick, really bad fuck because I don't recall one second of it.

Pangtong Wollongong said...

The Tome of Communism, in both real life and as a blog, kicks ass.

and uh yeah

Butchieboy said...

He seems like a nice boy.

Luv_them_Niggers said...

The Birmingham Niggers were founded in 1898 in Birmingham by Nathan Bedford Forrest, who also founded the Ku Klux Klan, the name was selected to "harken back to the spirit of the hard-working, fun-loving negro". The team has been all white since its inception to minor league play. Forrest spared no expense in hiring the players for his team; he once quipped "Some teams have 'cracker jack' players, we've just got 'crackers!'"

The Niggers joined the NCAA (Niggers, Coons & African-Americans) League but of course, nobody would play them. The only exception was in the mid 1960s when the Birmingham Firehoses cited interest in playing against the team; the Firehoses won, but were disbanded a few years later.

Of late there have been moves by the owners to instead claim that the team is actually named after Guy Gibson's (of Dam Busters fame) pet dog, though they have thus far been unsuccessful (possibly as Americans don't realise that anyone else was in World War II).

The niggers are the greatest team ever in minor league history.

elvis anonymous said...

Woozie is a world-class chef, as well as a better-than-average blogger, his recipes are known and venerated by members of his household. This blog rocks, it has humor, sex, booze, commentary, sex, food, sex and a clientele that would make an escort service green with envy.

Kønig Hasemörder said...

when a jew is at the bottom of the well a jew is but a man.